Aside

I just want to go home. 

I just want to go home more than I’ve ever wanted anything. 

I want everyone to stop treating me like shit.

I just want one fucking person who is gonna understand. 

 

In other news. I get to go home in four days. My brother and sister sporadically call me “he” and my mom gets made but she’s never said anything in front of me. The other day, my brother flipped out calling me a dyke and my mom let him. I was about to leave, literally, right then. But my mom won’t drive me to the airport early, and I wouldn’t have anywhere t go. So I just holed up in a room for the rest of the night until I got kicked out into the main part of the house so people could go to bed. Not having anywhere to just be alone is killing me because it’s to the point that I literally can’t wait to get away from these people. 

I have a job lined up for when I get home, but my mom won’t help me with my fafsa so I have no clue what to do about school, and if I’m not in school I can’t work there. I did apply for a job that is working online from my computer though. Retouching photos for funeral homes… It’s not the best thing to be doing but if I get it, it’s income. All based on how much work I do, not on how much time I spend. That is the best part. 

My aunt called a few minutes ago, and that is actually why I’m posting. She was talking about how excited I must be to be going home, and asked about Lena, and my plans. She told me that she’s proud of me, and that she’s glad I’m pursuing writing because of how talented I am. She talked about how great of a writer I was and she wants to see some of my new stuff, and she told me I was handsome, and she’s proud, and that my whole life is waiting for me..

and no one has ever fucking said that to me before. 

I just want to go home. I just want

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Just an update.

Let us discuss: I broke a sacred rule that I preach all day for fellow transmen. I got a buzzcut. I hadn’t truly intended for it to be so short, and I don’t even want to talk about it. 

In the future, please do not get a buzzcut. I can not wait for it to grow. On the bright side, shit is looking up. 

My mom hasn’t become more supportive in person, but she did say: “this will be a hard change for me…..i will stand by whatever choices you make for your own happiness and well being you must know that. its not about MY life babe it is YOURS. i love you. from start to finish. everything in between included. period” Not bad. 

This is my face nowadays, I haven’t been working out or on my T supplements in a month, back in the swing tomorrow, except those supps. I can’t get my hands on any up here in BFE. 

ImageImage

Hi, I’m Branden.

Hear me out on this: You only get one shot at getting life right, and thinking about that is what has galvanized me. I used to be really nervous about the whole ordeal, and I realized there is one way to be happy in life: make yourself happy. Part of that is making yourself comfortable, and through some self searchin’ I realized something. Ianis a feminine name to me, and I jumped into choosing it because of it’s meaning and history. I know I’ve gone through phases of calling myself one thing or another, and it’s gotten tiring for people who’ve been part of my life for a long time. But this is concrete: I am going forward with transition, and I’m not comfortable with the name Ian.

So to sum all this up, I’ve made a final decision, and sent out a message to the court in Florida for them to send me the proper forms. My name is (soon to be legally) Branden. Thanks for all your support.

Time to play “How transphobic is THIS gay guy?”

*** I’m not bashing the gay community, keep reading***

It scares me how the LGBT community is so uninformed of other part of the community. I can’t even. :l

him: Waiiiit a second! Now it’s Brandon? I can’t keep up what does your license say? Miranda? ((Branden*))

me: Transphobic statement #1

((This is transphobic because of the tired fucking question “But what is your real name?”))

him: :c

me: I’m not being an asshole, I’m just fucking with you. But honestly, this is like that “What is your REAL name?” question, it’s frowned up to ask. and to respond, I’ve never legally changed my name.

him: Well I know your birth name. And I knew your trans name. But shouldn’t you stick to just one male name? Just like any other normal guy

((“I knew your trans name.” Oooh. “Just like a normal guy?” OOOH.))

me: Wow you suck at this. Did you read what I posted? About how you only really get one shot at doing it right, so it’s best that I find the perfect fit

him: I like Ian. Branden I like too but I think you look more like an Ian

me: You haven’t been around.I know that sounds weird, but I’m completely different than you remember which plays a part in how you see me.Ian was too feminine for me.

him: If you’re looking for masculine, id go for Andrew (: but anywhooo I gotta go to bed. Goodnight!

 

Then he signed off. This guy is supposed to be a good friend of mine. Ughh.

You Need To Eat a Bowl of Nails, Son.

“You’re never going to become a guy!” “You act like a girl!” “You’re actually still a girl!” “You have a vagina, right?” DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR? I’m sure it does.

Do me a favor, and suck it up. Before you think I am being mean, here is why:

You are never going to become a guy because you’ve been a guy your whole life. 

I am proud of where you’re at in your transition regardless of where you’re at, and if you need anything let me know!

Home, please.

So, I don’t know if I ever explained this. 

I was living with my father, and my mom lives in Savannah TN. My dad (as a graduation present) got me a plane ticket to go visit her. So, the MORNING AFTER I graduated, I had to leave. My dad was also leaving that day to move all the way up to Pendleton, South Carolina. So he moved there, and now I’m up here with my mom. 

I know I talked about the way my mom has taken my transition, and I have some beautiful news for all of you. Not. 

She told me the night after my arrival that she wants to spend time with her daughter and she will meet him when it is time. I didn’t know how to react. She doesn’t have a daughter, maybe she did once upon a time. But I am no one’s daughter. And she asks me how I expect anyone to consider me a boy if I’m so feminine (she said bitchy). This isn’t a fucing joke to me, someone help. 

Also, she told me that she told my father… That pisses me off more and more the more I think about it. I can’t even write about it. 

Tonight… Abby (my sister) has a friend named Miakelby, and she is fourteen. I’m closer in age to her than Abby so she is kind of sticking to me. It’s nice because she’s a really nice person, and I am really lonely up here, honestly. We were all sitting at dinner and Miakelby asked if there was a different name she could call me as a nickname or something. My little brother (amazed me by doing this) suggested they could call me Ian. 

My mom was in the kitchen and she turns around and goes “She won’t be called Ian here.”

I don’t know how to tell her that I can’t put up with this. She needs to love ME, not who she is trying to cling to. I don’t know what to do, honestly..

It’s been a while, eh?

Graduation went well, and we went out to eat after. I got pronouned correctly but then my stepmom corrected the woman. Ah well.  

The next morning I didn’t bother trying to pass because I knew my mom was going to do all the daughter stuff, and I didn’t want to have an emergency where my binder needed to come off and I couldn’t get it off. So then we hung out. 

My mom and I had a little talk about how she wants to spend time with her daughter and she’ll meet him when she’s ready. I respect that, it is just a little hard to try to satisfy that need in her while remaining comfortable. This morning I got dressed and threw my binder on. I feel so comfortable, I missed being myself. 🙂 

I did learn that my mom told my dad I was trans several months ago. My reaction to that was really complicated. I was angry, that’s my battle to fight. But then I sat back and realized that my dad hasn’t changed. He hasn’t treated me any differently, and if anything, I can see he is trying to do better with accepting me. Saying I’m his kid rather than his daughter sometimes, and just things that he never used to do. 

I dunno. I’m enjoying a few days of my vacation before I’m back on the blog grind. Love you guys 🙂

 

Sorry for my absence.

I was finishing high school, and now I’m done. I’m so excited. 

We had an honors ceremony where I was supposed to wear a dress, but I wore pants, a shirt and tie. I got called down to the office and given the run around about it. But I told the guy that I’d already talked to to the principal. SO smd. (: I can’t wait to graduate! 

I am passing way more now. I guess I realized it the other day when I got called ma’am for the first time in several days. I calmly just told her “I’m actually a sir.” She apologized and that was it. 

But we went to a cafe, to yogurt, and to a car place, and just… I haven’t been misgendered in such a long time. It’s a great feeling. I don’t have much to say right now. I am going to do a larger posts here soon. Thanks for all the support. 

How To Naturally Increase Your Testosterone.

I am transitioning naturally at this point in time. This means I am not taking HRT, I am increasing my testosterone in other ways. So far, I have made extraordinary progress in the sense that I never could have foreseen the progress I have made to date, especially without the help of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy).  I am compiling the information I’ve found from a couple different places and explaining what has worked best for me. So here we go:

  • Lose weight.*
  • High intensity excercise.
  • Consume plenty of zinc.
  • Strength Training.
  • Consume enough vitamin D.
  • Reduce Stress.
  • Limit sugars.
  • Eat healthy fats.
  • Eat plenty of protein.*

All of this stuff can be summed up as live a healthier lifestyle, honestly. The stuff with asterisks are the ones I can personally attest to. Protein helps you lose weight because you won’t be as hungry as often, and you can get better results out of excercise. This also helps you lose fatty tissue around your breasts. So, onward!

  • Don’t drink alcohol or limit your consumption.
  • Sleep at least 8 hours a night (or day, whatever).*
  • Store food/drink in glass containers.
  • Avoid anything with parabens.
  • Get freaking hydrated! WATER WATER WATER.
  • Don’t overtrain in the gym. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.*
  • Have a manlier attitude (trust me!)

Getting enough sleep is something I can’t stress enough. You would be shocked at how much it honestly changes things! Overtraining is a sticky one, I am a douche and I love to work out. But if you excercise a proper amount, and eat right, you can really make better progress. I increased T and sped up my metabolism just by learning to balance eating and working out. Now, what everyone wants to hear! Here are some foods that will help you out.

  • Oysters
  • Lean proteins (lean beef, etc.)
  • Beans.
  • Poultry.
  • Eggs.
  • Cottage cheese.
  • Broccoli. (Cruciferous veggies.)
  • Cabbage.
  • Brussels Sprouts.
  • Garlic.

A lot of zinc, fiber, and protein. If you like garlic, try cooking whatever you eat with it. I have eaten more garlic in the past four months than i have ever in my life, but it works.

***I’m not going to tell you to take supplements! Only you know your body! If you wanna talk supplements, you are going to have to email me.***

Okay. Now.

I am going to sum this all up in a quick easy way.

You should lose extra weight if you have it, and even if you don’t excercise is important. Do simple cardio (jumping rope, swimming, biking, running, etc) and train for strength/endurance. You can be your own gym, do push ups, planks, sit ups. I don’t care what you do, get active, it’s important!

Drink plenty of water and get plenty of sleep, this will help you slim down, get healthier, reduce your stress. All these little things you can do will pile up and help you in the best ways if you put your mind to it.

Eat shit that is good for you. Eggs, beef, chicken, spinach, garlic, fish. The possibilities of what you could eat are endless, just keep these in mind: Zinc, protein, fiber, vitamin D.

It can be easy or it can be hard. It depends on your determination and your attitude. i can’t tell you how much having a MANLY attitude can change everything. Burp out loud, sit around with your hand on your dick. You don’t have to be a slob all the time, but just take “dude time.” You just chill out, be a bro for a little while, it pays great dividends.

This is really all I have for you right now. 🙂 Any questions, you know where I’m at.

How is T treating me?

Changes to date: (Do keep in mind that my female hormone levels were low to begin with, and I’m taking supplements as well as eating foods that increase testosterone production in the body. I am not saying you will have these results, now am I saying that taking supplements is safe for everyone. Only YOU know your body.)

  • Change in skin texture.
  • Change in facial features, more masculine overall.
  • Increased strength and energy.
  • More muscle tone.
  • Hungrier than ever.
  • Erratic sex drive. (Sometimes really high, sometimes really low)
  • Slight change in voice.
  • Attention span is moribund.

 

I’m also experiencing other changes I do not want to directly attribute to the testosterone, and those are listed here.

  • Have you seen 21 Jump Street? Because FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!
  • Increased adrenaline. (After being scared, being sexual, or working out, I feel the ‘rush’ longer than I did before. This could be due to the next thing.)
  • Increased confidence. I know that these things are happening ni my body so I am just ecstatic.
  • More emotional (WHAT?) Yeah, I know. I’m not sure why this is, but I’ll keep ya posted.

—————————————————————

I’m sure there are a few more small things. One thing I want to underline here is that it is literally all in your mind. I am not the only one who says this, one of the BEST looking transguys I have ever seen gave me this advice and I have literally lived by it:

If you believe you can do it, you can and you will.

Good luck!